Brindle Billy and the Siren’s Kiss
“A what?”
“You heard me!”
“No, seriously, I didn’t!”
The woman turned away with such an alluring twist of her voluptuous body that he, in spite of his predicament, fell even more in love. “Oh, do shut up,” she spat, “you nasty dribble of nasal effluent!”
Brindle Billy lay on satin sheets as naked as the day he was born, except for the silk cords that tied his wrists and ankles to the bedposts. “Note to self,” he muttered. “Next time, pick a safeword before the knots are tied.” Then he called out to the temptress who had lured him there, “Well, if I heard you right, I believe you said enchanted hips, but I can assure you that that is hardly necessary. There’s many a fair maiden who might say I already have them!”
Though it was only a cave at the edge of the sea, it was well appointed with all the amenities a siren might need. Selena enjoyed bringing her men here, her willing slaves, where she used them until she tired of them. Then she would eat them, bones and all. But this one, this excessively garrulous grifter with a grating gift for gab had made her illusory skin crawl, and now she had to deal with him.
“Where are they?” she screeched, her irritation showing in her voice. “And no, I did NOT say hips, you irksome imbecile!!”
“Ah, good! That’s fine, then. So you must’ve said chips! Not enchanted hips, but enchilada chips!”
Brindle Billy had spotted her at the tavern earlier that evening. She was lovely, to be sure, but he had other fish to fry, so to speak. Just that morning, his prize possession, the magical gauntlet he had stolen from that corpulent wizard, Bulbous the Black, had, in turn, been stolen from him! That glove was the key to his successful larceny and debauchery, and generally to the lifestyle to which he had grown accustomed, so it came as quite a blow. And to make matters worse, he was all but certain that the thief was none other than his own horse, Mesa, a magical beast he himself had transmogrified from a kitchen table. You just can’t trust anyone these days!
“Hey, I have an idea,” said Billy. “How’s about I pop into town and pick up an avocado or two and an onion and whatnot. You’ve probably got some garlic and peppers lying around here, eh? Maybe a little eye of newt or wing of bat to spice it up? Whaddya say? Chips and guac? We could play cards if you like, but if it’s strip poker I’m gonna need to get dressed first.”
He had ignored her as she trolled the shadows of the tavern for a man, and that was why she had taken an interest in him. He was the only man in the room who wasn’t entranced by her every move, and she just couldn’t have that. When their eyes met, his heart stopped, the room spun like a top, and he fell head over heels in love. And, more importantly, he knew at once that she was a siren, which meant she would have some sort of a magical doodad, dingsboom, or doohickey back at her lair. All he had to do was get her to bring him back there so he could steal it.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He watched her now, the most desireable creature he had ever seen, as she ransacked her own drawers and cupboards, growing more and more frantic by the moment. “It’s got to be here somewhere,” she said through gritted teeth. “That’s the problem with invisible charms, isn’t it? Once you misplace them, they’re just so damn hard to find.” Her frustration suddenly erupted and with a shout she swept a shelf full of bowls and saucers shattering to the floor.
“Sweetheart?” called Billy. “Snookums? Is there anything I can do to help?”
Selena the siren whirled around and, in her rage, dropped her enchanted appearance. For the first time, Billy saw her as she really was. Her pale skin was stretched like yellowed parchment over her bulbous skull, and her ancient body was twisted, bent, and skeletal. Her talons and teeth were filed to deadly points, and her mouth was enormous. “Help?” she shrieked. “Help?! Yes, you can help! You can shut your flapping yap, you disgusting discharge! You reeking, rancid… um… thing that is reeky and rancid!”
“I’m sensing some negative energy here, my little barracuda. Is it something I said?”
Selena opened her mouth and began to wail. As her grotesque jaws opened wider and wider the piercing sound grew louder and louder. Crystal goblets exploded one by one. The window panes set in the solid stone of the cave shattered into shards. She approached Billy, who was grimacing from the assault on his eardrums, but then something caught her eye.
“Oh. There it is.” And just like that she was the irresistibly seductive woman again. Her hand reached out and seemed to pantomime the act of picking something up.
“Whatcha got there?” asked Billy, eyeing it suspiciously
“These are the enchanted lips of ancient Minoa. With these I will make you my slave! Then I will keep your decrepit body alive for five hundred years, and I will forbid you ever to speak another word for the rest of your miserable life!”
“Aaah! Enchanted lips! Not hips, or enchilada chips! Well, I was close.” Billy closed one eye and studied her empty hand. “Hang on, now, sweetie! You’re not just jerking my chain, are you? There’s nothing there!”
“Why, you insolent toad of a man! How dare you? This is dark sorcery beyond your wildest dreams! Only one who is truly, deeply, eternally in love can resist a kiss from these lips, and you, my soon-to-be slave can’t possibly be in love because no one on God’s green earth would have you!”
“Yeah, maybe, but you’re still just faking it. There’s nothing there.”
Selena shrieked in anger, her visage flickering between her lovely enchanted mirage and her horrific true self. “I will show you, you… you… JERK!” She moved her hands as if she were applying something invisible to her lips.
“Now, shut up and kiss me!”
Selena, the heartless monster who had lured and entrapped countless men for millenia, leaned down and planted a hot, wet enchanted kiss on Brindle Billy’s lips. She pulled back with a smug, vindicated look on her face.
Billy squinted his eyes, concentrating. He circled the tip of his tongue around his lips, and then he shook his head. “Nope,” he said. “Nothing. I told you you were faking.”
“What? That’s impossible! No one can resist a kiss from the enchanted lips of Minoa!”
“Unless he is truly, deeply, eternally in love,” said a husky voice. A very large, curly haired man seemed to appear out of nowhere. He had an unusually long face and coal-black eyes. “And anyone who knows Billy soon learns one thing about him. Brindle Billy is truly, deeply, and eternally in love… with himself.” The mysterious man shot a smiling wink at Billy, still tied to the bed.
Billy drew a sharp breath and tilted his head like a confused puppy. “Mesa?”
Selena stretched her jaws wide open and prepared to pulverize this man with the full force of her wailing voice.
But before she could utter a sound he raised a gloved hand, palm out. “Oh, shut up.”
Selena flew backwards like she’d been shot by a cannon. She smashed into the wall of the cave and stuck there like a bug on flypaper. She was her true self again; her enchanted beauty was gone. The man held out his other hand and something invisible dropped into his palm.
“Mesa?” said Billy in stunned disbelief, “Is that really you?”
“Yeah, boss, it’s me.” He dropped his head and scuffed one toe on the floor. “Sorry about the whole stealing the gauntlet and running off thing. I just wanted to see what it felt like to be a human, and honestly, you can keep it. I’d rather be a horse.”
With a flick of his gloved wrist, Mesa freed Billy from his bonds, and with a snap of his fingers, Billy was fully clothed. With one final sweep of his arm, there stood Mesa the horse, and Billy was wearing the gauntlet and holding something he couldn’t see in his palm which he quickly slipped into a pouch tied to his belt. It just might come in handy on New Year’s Eve.
Mesa the horse tipped his head and looked Billy in the eye. “As a human, I did kind of like being able to talk, so if it’s alright with you, I’ll just keep that bit.”
“Fair enough,” said Billy. “What about her?” He nodded toward Selena, still stuck off the floor.
“She’ll drop off the wall as soon as we leave, but she’ll never be that seductive siren again. I took that away from her.”
Billy scratched his old friend’s ear just the way he liked it. “I probably could’ve gotten out of that on my own,” he said, “but thanks for coming back for me.”
The horse rolled his big black eyes and let out a snort. Then he shook his mane and said, “We’d better get started. It’s a long hike out of here.”
Billy climbed into the saddle. “What if we didn’t have to hike?” he said. With a wave of his gauntlet, a pair of enormous black wings sprouted from Mesa’s shoulders.
“Why didn’t I think of that?” said Mesa.
“Because you’re not Brindle Billy!”
With a flap of his mighty wings, the horse and rider rose from the mouth of the cave and flew up into the sky, Brindle Billy and his faithful steed Mesa, once more in search of mischief.
