A Midsummer Day’s Dream

Mayfred Yodal slept and, perchance, dreamed.

Edna shook her older sister awake. “Mayfred! Wake up, you slug!” Edna turned toward the door and shuffled forward as fast as she could with her bad hip and her walker. “We gotta get moving! That old hussy Beula Mae finally kicked it and they want volunteers to clean out her room. We gotta get there first!”

Mayfred and Edna, the Yodal sisters, shared a room in Cypress Grove, a Southern Comfort Retirement Community. Like pretty much everyone else there, they were widowed, and they took their pursuit of a replacement spouse seriously. Beula Mae Beausoleil, with her uncanny ability to beguile any man that caught her eye, had been a wrench in the works for years. And to make it worse, as soon as Beula had a man wrapped around her finger, she’d dump him like yesterday’s trash and go after another.

“She could’ve had her way with every man in Cypress Grove for all I care,” said Mayfred. “What grinds my grits is the way she broke their hearts so bad they just packed up and left.” It seemed that Beula Mae’s discarded paramours could not stand to see their lost love living it up in the bingo hall, and so, one by one, they moved on to other old folks’ homes, and the number of eligible bachelors at Cypress Grove dwindled.

The sisters were the first to respond to the call for cleaners, so they had their pick of rooms. Of course, they chose the bedroom and they were not disappointed. The volume of satins, silks, and lace was impressive, as was the arsenal of perfumes.

“Do you think she cast a spell on them?” asked Edna, maneuvering her walker further into the closet. “I heard she was a Creole witch.”

“Maybe,” said Mayfred as she rummaged through drawers, tossing eye shadow and rouge of every shade into a box. “For sure she was something that rhymed with it.” Mayfred noticed a detail that struck her as odd. Amid this rainbow array of cosmetics, there was only one tube of lipstick. Stranger still, unlike all the other makeup, it seemed to call to her, to draw her attention, and she couldn’t resist. She slipped it into her pocket without a word and the sisters completed their cleaning.

The next day was Sunday. Edna had plans to meet Artie, her steady boy, for lunch and a round of pinochle while Mayfred had a garden rendezvous with Randall, a new and very available resident. Mayfred was pouring through Edna’s closet, looking for something to wear.

“How about this?” she said, holding up a light floral jacket.

“Oh, I don’t think so, dearie. I was going to wear that. It’s Artie’s favorite.”

“But he’s already seen it. I want to make a good first impression on Randall.”

A moment later, Mayfred, wearing the floral jacket, sat in front of her mirror and put on just a touch of makeup. Almost without thinking, she reached into her pocket for the lipstick. It wasn’t her shade, but she felt compelled to wear it. As she hurriedly applied the color to her lips, her little pup Pucker Up hopped into her lap and pawed at her arm.

“Oh, you want some, too, do you?” She held his little chin and painted a dab of lipstick on his upper and lower lips. Mayfred dropped Pucker from her lap, and then she stood and took a twirl in front of the wardrobe mirror, tripping over the dog and tumbling to the floor with a shout of pain.

Edna rushed over as quickly as she could shuffle. “Mayfred! Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“No,” grumbled Mayfred, sitting in a heap. “Wait. Yes! I twisted my knee! It’s already starting to swell.”

“I’ll get you some ice. And you’ll have to cancel with Randall.”

“Never! I’m meeting that man in the garden come hell or high water! Let me borrow your walker. You can take the electric cart. Artie rides one, too. He won’t mind.”

And so it was later that Artie, as he rode his three-wheeled scooter through the garden, saw what he thought was Edna wearing his favorite floral jacket and leaning on her walker by the roses. He stopped the cart and heaved himself to his feet. He struggled with a bum hip but managed to slip up behind her. He took her by the shoulders and spun her around, planting a kiss before she knew what hit her.

Mayfred came up gasping for breath and pushed him away. “Artie! What the hell are you doing?!”

“Mayfred?” Artie’s hand shot to his mouth to wipe the kiss from his lips, but then he hesitated. “Mayfred! How could I have been so blind? I’ve been dating the wrong sister all along!”

“What? No! No, you haven’t!”

He reached to put his arms around her, and she gave him a shove. Artie stumbled back and leaned heavily on his cart. Mayfred spun away, twisting her knee again. She shouted in pain and little Pucker Up heard her and came running, followed by Edna on her scooter. Her knee throbbing, Mayfred grabbed the walker and sprinted as fast as she could away from Artie. With considerable effort, Artie managed to twist his hips and legs around to face forward, and then, grabbing the handlebar throttle, he took off in hot pursuit.

Meanwhile, Randall, a newcomer to Cypress Grove, was wandering through the garden wondering where the roses were. A little white dog ran toward him, and he scooped it up. The friendly little fellow nuzzled his face like a kiss on the lips. Randall squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. When he opened his eyes, all he could see was the dog. He held it in his hands, arms outstretched, and exclaimed, “You magnificent creature! Where have you been all my life? I want nothing more than to be with you forever!”

Edna, who had been chasing Pucker, came into view on her three-wheeler while Mayfred approached from the other direction with Artie gaining on her. “Randall! Help! Artie’s gone nuts! Save me!”

“You? Why would I care about you when I can hold this beautiful canine in my arms?”

Edna buzzed by him and went straight for Artie, who veered around a clump of azaleas. “Artie! Come back here! You’re supposed to be my boyfriend! Why are you chasing my sister?!”

“Leave me alone, Edna! Mayfred is a radiant beauty and I have seen the light! She is the only Yodal for me!” He came around the bushes and made a grab for Mayfred as he buzzed by, but Edna raced up behind him and bumped his cart with hers, knocking him off balance. Mayfred lurched forward to escape Artie and tumbled into Randall, taking Pucker’s place in his arms. Artie couldn’t hold on to his handlebars and he rolled to the dirt.

“Artie!” shouted Edna.

“Mayfred!” shouted Artie.

“Randall!” cooed Mayfred.

“Puppy-dog!” shouted Randall.

“What the hell!” shouted Edna. “Doesn’t anybody want me?!”

Just then Pucker ran up to Artie as he lay on the ground and began excitedly to lick his face all over. Disgusted, Artie wiped his lips on his sleeve and then blinked and looked around, confused. “Edna? What are you doing on that cart? And why is Mayfred wearing your floral jacket? And who is that guy she’s kissing?”

Mayfred had seen what happened as soon as Artie wiped his mouth, so she pulled a tissue from her sleeve and wiped Randall’s lips. Then she held his face in both hands and kissed him. Randall emerged no longer smitten with Pucker but enraptured with Mayfred.

Artie wrestled his reluctant body back into the seat of his scooter and Edna pulled her cart alongside. With his help she shifted from her seat to his lap where they passionately kissed.

Mayfred quickly reached into her pocket, refreshed her lipstick, and then she and Randall followed suit.

Pucker watched and shook his head, as if saying to himself, “Lord, what fools these Yodals be.”